Most of the time when I'm thinking of something ending, it makes me ridiculously sad. It's tough when something you love or even just when something you're used to has to come to a close because it means change is occurring and it's not going to be the same again. I just don't like that idea. Even if I know it's a good thing, it's still not an easy thing to process.
My ending isn't even happening yet but I just keep getting undeniable confirmation that it is happening and it scares me. Why?
Am I afraid of myself being forgotten and no longer validated for my achievements?
In my head at least, I have dealt multiple times with being in some position where I am respected and I am excited because I am known in some somewhat big deal way and that's just what I want from human interaction, but this has by far been the best one. Being an editor, being on core, being a Patriot, leading some clubs, being known by peers. Being liked by people. Being an RA means not only are you in a position where you can care for and love others well and other technical things but it also means you get to know a lot of really awesome people in the community, and they get to know who you are, and your face is on the bulletin board in the lobby for the entire school year and seriously hundreds of people walk by that every week. And you get to be tight with some of the best people and most liked people in your community in your school, what! That seems like something that could get to somebody. I could be so focused on my own achievement, easy. I've been afraid of being here for the wrong reasons, and I was afraid of that since the beginning so it's something I prayed I would not have to deal with. But it's nice to be validated and it's nice to be known; that doesn't mean that I am motivated by that validation.
What do you want to be known and remembered for?
It's not the cool titles I had that will matter as much as the individual people who say that I loved them well, genuinely cared for them, had their trust and was faithful to my relationship with them and maybe that I was a light for them. That is what I want my life to be about. It's not resumé content but it's so much more important because it's how people feel.
So why am I afraid of an ending. I think I'm afraid that I'm afraid because I'm gonna lose some sort of status, but I honestly think I'm afraid because of the change. It's going to be a different community, people are going to grow up and people aren't going to look up to me in the same context or be there for me to love in the same way. I'm still going to have a community of amazing friends and I am still going to do everything I can to love and care for them well and to be a good friend. So I know I'll be okay, but that might just be me assuring myself that different is okay.
Somebody told me once that change would get easier or that I would get stronger or both or something along those lines. I think it's gotten harder because the longer I live, the higher quality my life and my relationships seem to be and the deeper I get to go with people. I invested a lot into this community, it's going to be weird in a different context. I guess I'm just afraid of that.