First thing. It's good to realize hurt. It's good to have that awareness and to begin to work on it.
Lately life has been full of good. Life has been being lived, and I'm enjoying it. There's hurt, and I keep realizing those things, but there's so much good. I have a happy relationship with a solid guy who is great: serious and intentional and wise and fun and creative and smart and cute and sweet and more than I'd know how to even ask for. Somehow I got a job that is the perfect fit, working with people who are easy to be around and challenges I'm excited about facing. I get to borrow my mom's car and live with people who are generous and thoughtful and treat me like family, bringing me to their church where I met all these people who are either my age or in my field and so willing to welcome me in as a friend and make me feel wanted there. I thought I'd be in the area to be around my old friends, which I am and which has been wonderful, but new friends too? Valuable new people to know and to enjoy. Who would have known. Details, too. My hosts offering me copies of all the Calvin and Hobbes books to borrow during the summer. Getting to use a fully stocked kitchen whenever and however I want. Being relatively near a climbing gym. Having a park down the street in a quiet, family neighborhood. Having a view on my way to work, commuting against traffic. Food that reminds me of my grandmas cooking, fruit trees that remind me of my trees back home. Farmers markets, everywhere. Getting to visit my favorite family, having the kids jump into my arms and be so excited to play for the entire day, having a sweet time and quality time and wisdom from them, the best of days.
Watching these details of my life that come into place with flawless timing has shown me God's love and intentionality in my life. Why would I even consider worrying? He takes care.
It scares me to think of God in that way, though. He's not just there to weave my life matters together for me perfectly every time. He does that, and He shows me so much grace and love and courage to have faith in Him. But then He is so much more massive and great and unnamable than that; I am afraid of forgetting. I want to think of Him as great and Holy and way more. I want to struggle with the idea of that much Holiness. I want to talk to Him and think of Him and say more than just thank you's. I want to admire; I want to be in absolute awe.
That being said, I still worry about my life. I still fear the what's next and I fear that fear. I want to be focused on what's happening in my life. Also, I feel real hurt from things I've realized about relationships I've had for a long time. In learning myself, I'm learning those close by me and how they have affected me. Real things. It's new, to learn that much and to see those things, especially when you thought you were good and there's no way there could have been that much hurt.
But why focus on your pain when there are so many good things going on?
I don't know how to reconcile that.
I'd be told that other people have it worse. Look at all the blessings in my life, look at everything going on, just have some perspective and just be grateful. You can't possibly have it that bad. I have these voices now. And I thought they sounded good until I realized how much it rejects important things, like how it actually makes me feel. I don't have it that bad, really I don't. I know how many good things God has given to me. And I feel joy and contentment where I am. But I do have hurt and I can either choose to ignore that or acknowledge it.
Which is easier?
It's unreasonable to say I deserve better or more, because I have so much good already.
Minimize. Push it under all that is good. Just see the good. Look at it, there's a lot to look at. Everyone deals with bad things. They're okay with it. Be okay with it. It's not even that bad. Minimize. Minimize it all. Don't cry, that's too sensitive. Those are unwarranted tears. Other people have it much worse. You have it good, you have a lot. You don't need to cry. You don't need to feel that way. You shouldn't feel that way, don't feel it. Push it down, push it under. Minimize. Put it away.
How could I possibly ask for more than I have? Not from God, from relationships.
I need to know what I deserve. I need to stand up for that.
They have power to hurt. They have other power, but they have so much power to hurt.