There hasn't been that much time to just exist and to think. There hasn't been space. I feel so homeless and not quite discontent, maybe restless or unsettled are better words. Either way it isn't comfortable and I feel impatient to be more settled.
I think about the same guy all the time, and I know I might cross his mind but I always doubt that he thinks about me the way I think about him. I pretty much know that he doesn't. There were so many wonderful things, so many painful things, so much fear, hard things, all of it. And I was excited and ready for those things because it felt like something I could call home, but now I know I can't really call anything home forever. Maybe I'll always be unsettled, but I won't be where I am now. There were so many things we shared and had together. There was so much comfort and so much joy and love, having that be taken away is confusing, for one, but also just jarring to the system and incredibly unnatural. It's almost been as much time without each other as it was with each other, and that hurts to think about. I hate accepting it, I hate having it this way, I hate the idea of getting used to it and having him used to it too. I want to hate it forever. I don't want to walk away from the door. I am trying so hard to force myself to know that the door is closed and walk away from it, but I know on his side it's still cracked open, and that isn't fair. That makes it harder to let go and leave but I know I have to already be gone. I hate it. None of this is what I want to do. On a normal day, it hurts more than anything has ever hurt, there isn't a timeframe I can put on it but I have not gotten very far and I can't demand myself to be where I'm not.
I'm walking through another door which I have always feared. I never imagined my life past college. I never thought about making it this far and I certainly never pictured myself to be who I currently am, but this is where I find myself today. Walking through a void. But it's a door, not a cliff and fog will clear and sand will settle and in another year I'll be somewhere that I can't even imagine right now.