Can’t sleep. Probably the thai tea I had six hours ago.
Knew this would happen. I can down a shot of zquil in hopes that I’ll wake up feeling rested with clear sinuses and enough energy for the rest of the year. But despite how Southern California always has to be, it’s winter time now, and it’s the one year mark of the worst few months of my whole existence, small as that may be, and it feels sad in all directions so the only energy I’ll ever have will be brief: when the rush of extroverted, joyful, avoidant enneagram seven blood in me is rustled and I’m at a party I actually want to be at, with people whom I love dearly or I have yet to get to know at all. Other than that, it’s a time for revisiting the sad, the angry, the devastated and the regretfully hopeful reality of the past year.
I have such little direction. I have hope in a future with a boy I'll never see again after the wedding at the end of the year and hope in a career of courageous risk taking and great success despite the constant fear and the pressure from my family to have it all figured out asap. I miss that boy but also, I miss God. We had a good thing going for so long and it doesn’t feel like it’s been completely in my control cause i know he does his thing too, but there’s been so much silence and stillness between me and him lately, and it feels like he’s not around even when I really want him to be and I’m not sure if there’s anyone I can turn to for that because everyone close I have might either shame me for being bad at God or they’d agree that they don’t know either and tell me that this is okay even when I don’t want it to be at all. But I miss him, and I miss having any sort of direction. I’m supposed to come up with a long term plan. There are moments where I have a million blurry dreams and moments where it’s all just thick fog, but either way that’s no condition to construct a clear plan. So do I wait for the fog to go away, or do I keep taking slow baby steps toward where I think I might like to be?
Baby steps. But nonetheless, forward movement. Slow, unsteady...
I’m aware of my surroundings. I’ve gotten my bearings in the moment I’m in, but I want to be settled. The hard part is seeing how impossible it is to stop and get comfy while you’re in the middle of a storm- particularly this harsh, foggy, dense blizzard I find myself in now. There’s no service to show me how far I am from my destination or what it might even look like, there’s such little opportunity to stop and rest. And besides, if I do I could get more trapped by more snow in the morning, and there’s no way of knowing whether or not I’ll even arrive alright. And nobody to call for help or even check in with because they’re either stuck in their own storms or they no longer care enough or I just don’t think it’s worth worrying them and calling for help and showing them how afraid I am. I will survive. I will make it, the storm will die down, there’s no need to show how many fears I carry around because as valid as they may be, I will be okay at some point anyway and it probably won’t even be that bad.
That’s not how fear works anymore and I know it. or rather, I’m in the process of relearning. It should be acknowledged and worked through because it is valid; it is not contingent on the outcome of the situation. If I’m afraid, I'm afraid.
And I am afraid. But again, calling for help feels pointless. They get it or they don’t, but the reality is still terrifying and it can’t be fixed by a friend right now. Still, I know I need that empathy, that love and that space, and I know I deserve to be listened to. For those who offer that, I am so grateful and I feel such genuine love in both directions. Those people I will continue to hold onto, so long as it’s in my power.
Those people and my blurry dreams, I’ll hold with courage as I stumble through the sad, the scary and the stormy with my healthy, my wise and my strong. While I miss so strongly and hope so sadly and exist as wholly as I can.